Friday, July 15, 2016

A Bad Case of Identity Crisis

Y'all, it has been a rough week.  The days have seemed long, and the nights, late. Lots of piled up laundry and dirty dishes, toddler and adult tantrums (me...not the hubby).  Going to bed without cleaning the kitchen, which I despise, leaving a candle burning all night...I'm done with candles by the way, but praise God for His protection and never ending mercies.  

Just one of those weeks.  

It has been a productive one.  I completed a mural in the boys room and got several orders filled for Etsy and neighbors, but productivity comes at a cost with little ones sometimes.  And that cost this week was what could have been some precious moments with my boys and a bit of my sanity.  Looking back, I see that my focus was mostly on my failures.  I saw the mess as opposed to the blessing, I chose to see more ashes than beauty I guess you could say.  Feelings of inadequacies and frustrations, upset with myself for not reacting how I would have liked or for being more truth and less grace...Ticked off that I believed the lie.

Why do we do this?  Or should I say, why do I do this?  Why do I fall for his tricks or allow my reactions to be that of my flesh? Do I really have to walk around this mountain again, Lord?  Let me learn it the first time around.  I've rubbed blisters on my heels walking around this mountain, it hurts.  But it needs to, I guess.  That's how I remember I've been here before, right?  

And once the feelings of anger and frustration subside, then those feelings of guilt and shame flood in. "I know better."  "I should trust God more."  "I'm not in His Word enough."  "If I'm a child of the King, why am I not acting like it?"  "Where was the grace in that comment?"  "Why can't I be more patient with my children?"  "Why did I just get so angry at my husband?"

Is anyone with me?  Truth is, it's weeks like this where God usually really speaks to me.  Of course, I've got to quit whining long enough to hear Him.  It's weeks like this where I can also totally relate to Eve, hiding in the garden after she ate the fruit.  "Darling, where are you?"  Me, "Oh Daddy, You don't want to be around me right now, trust me.  It's been a rough week.  I've been a hot mess, a crappy wife, and a not so patient mama.  It's probably better if You just come back later."  

Here is the cool part about our Abba Father, though.  He already knows!  He knows my weaknesses and my failures, He knows my ugly and my mess, He knows my meltdowns and my heartaches.  And He still loves me.  Isn't it a beautiful thing to be known and loved by the Creator?  And isn't it even more beautiful to be born on this side of the cross.  The side where God's grace abounds (Romans 5:20), where love 
covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), and where God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21)?!  I am so thankful to be on this side of Calvary and that God can reassure me through His Word that I am made right with Him by placing my faith in Jesus (Romans 3:22).

Nothing that I have done or could ever do will be good enough.  Trying to be the perfect wife or most gracious mother or the kindest neighbor or the most loving daughter....none of those things get me any closer to God.  Only through Jesus and what He did on the cross...that's it, PERIOD!  

I guess this week was just a bad case of identity crisis.  And I'm realizing that now as I type.  I just needed to be reminded of what, or should I say Who, my identity is in.  I hope someone else needed to hear this today!  If it's you, know are loved dearly, by the Creator of Heaven and Earth!  So, enter His gates with thanksgiving, dear one, and His courts with praise!  Give thanks to Him and praise His name, friend!  He is the only One worthy!

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